Liquidation sale! Entire life must go!

You’re here to pick up the washing machine in your Toyota fucking Yaris!? Seriously?

How on earth could you possibly think a washing machine is going to fit in your tiny little car? Is it a magic clown car? Not only that, how are you planning on getting the washing machine from my laundry to said clown car when the damn thing weighs more than you do!? Are you going to swallow a can of spinach and transform from a 45kg girl into Popeye?

Selling everything I own on Gumtree seemed like a good idea in theory. I’d create a bunch of listings, people would come and pay me a token amount of money and then take away my stuff. Easy right?


For one, people on Gumtree are like vultures. Within minutes of listing something already far too cheap, they descend, hungry for a bargain and willing to kill for it. If you don’t answer their Gumtree message within two minutes, they’re texting you. Then they’re calling you. “I GIVE $50 CASH, PICKUP TODAY!” they’d squawk down the line, leaving me wondering whether I was talking to an actual person or listening to a recording of one of those annoying furniture commercials that just shout at you for a full 40 seconds.

Then, once you’ve finally agreed on a price that satisfies their irrational need to feel like they’ve saved themselves a few gold coins, you spend another 20 minutes trying to arrange a pick up time that isn’t “sometime during the day on Tuesday”. Buddy, I have a job, which means I work during the day. I’m sorry I can’t put my life on hold so you can pick up my Dyson, that I’m already selling to you for far less than it’s worth, on Tuesday because you happen to be coming to St Kilda that day. So you finally negotiate a pick up time after hours, and the douchebag DOESN’T SHOW UP. Awesome. I’m so happy I cancelled my plans tonight to wait around for you, asshole.

And then you get the completely crazy people who somehow think they’re doing you a favour by buying your stuff. “It’s a bit far for me to drive to St Kilda to pick up the food processor, but how about you bring it to my cafe in Clifton Hill and I’ll give you a free coffee for your trouble”. Oh sure, because I’d love to spend my Saturday morning driving an hour-round trip to deliver a $20 kitchen appliance to some nut-job in exchange for a freakin’ coffee. No.

Welcome to my Gumtree hell. I’ve seriously considered just burning down the house so I don’t have to deal with it. Anyone got a match?

This Gumtree conversation is 100% REAL. I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried. 😖🔫


Needless to say, this guy didn’t turn up the second time either.
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Also published on Medium.


  1. Nick Santamaria July 17, 2017 at 10:20 am

    I once made the mistake of putting some furniture, TV etc.. on gumtree for very low prices – the rationale being that cheap prices would bring about a simple and speedy transaction.

    A mistake indeed. What I’ve since learned is that by making the price *too* cheap, you attract cheap people who are (by definition) stingy but also often inconsiderate of everyone else’s time.

    How much stuff do you have left?

    1. Corina July 17, 2017 at 11:15 am

      I think you’re on to something there. I’ve got about half a dozen or so furniture items left, and a bunch of smaller things. I think I’m going to get to the point soon where I just pack it all up and take it to the Salvation Army!


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